Being in love with someone causes real physical and emotional changes in our body; in other words, "it ain't no thinking thing." If it were, endings would be ever so much easier. We would calmly assess the facts and realize that leaving was the best choice before us when we made it; and we wouldn't forget those unemotional reasons as time passes. Alas, those 'feel good' changes that happened when we fell in love left deep memory imprints closely akin to the highs a drug user becomes easily addicted to. The truth is most people are addicted to love.
We become addicted to the emotional highs and the physical changes that happen in our body when we are in the throes of loving another person. The culprits behind this are phenethylamine, dopamine, and oxytocin. We are on high alert, a little like being in the grip of the fight or flight syndrome. Many people actually become dizzy from the effects of these chemicals being released into their blood stream... and lo, they have fallen crazy in love with someone.
The highs create the addiction; we become addicted to how it felt to fall in love. As with every addiction, sometimes we need to invite the friends required to support it... manipulation, control, distortion of facts and denial, all forged into our emotional bank account called delusion. These are all motivated by fear; the first indicator that all is not as we imagine.
Suddenly we don't feel as passionately about some things as we did before. Why? We have adopted the beliefs of the one we love without question. What used to be important fades into the background as we get caught up in the emotional highs; many find themselves giving up everything that was important to please their new lover. It works like magic for a short time. Then we begin to question all the things we changed or gave up, wondering how it happened.
Whatever the cause, when disillusion penetrates the delusion bank of emotions, a change is gonna come. It typically arrives in the guise of a breakup. And there we are, like a balloon that has deflated and fallen from the sky, we hit the ground emotionally and wonder where all that magic went. It's over.
Why, oh why, do we still wake up loving that person? We go out with friends and carefully dissect everything that went wrong; we allocate blame where we are sure it belongs. Some turn to bars and nightclubs, seeking a way to forget, many times assisted by the attention of someone besides the one we have lost. For a few hours it works; we did forget! We can dance and maybe even go home with them for the night; and when the sun breaks through the sky, damn if we don't wake up still loving them. How can this be true?
You may even try catching a plane, touching down out-of-town where nobody knows either of you, trying to give yourself at least a half of a chance to start over to be a different person. Finally, you wake up and know that you were running from yourself and all those feelings. You still wake up loving the one you lost. What to do?
You have to get away from the emotional bank where all those delusions are deposited and return to the analytical part of your brain. You did not actually go crazy or lose your mind. You simply allowed it to be overcome by your emotions. Denial allows us to forget all the things that soured just before the breakup. They are covered in a smoky shroud that prevents us from staring at the facts. The smoke clears when we break away from the emotional ties that have bound us tightly to the delusions. In the harsh cold light of day we can clearly examine what we gave up, traded away or have forsaken for the pleasure of that other person's company. Oddly enough, it's rarely worth the trade.
The best way to avoid painful breakups is by slowing down your emotional involvement in the early stages. As your relationship unfolds think carefully when events or issues demand that you excuse, defend or understand behavior that initially feels unacceptable. Your first gut driven impression was one hundred percent correct. You have chosen to withdraw from the delusion bank account when you ignore the warning your innate or smart body that surrounds you and accompanies you as a protector, has given you.
If you are already lost in those emotions; when these feelings threaten to overwhelm you, remind yourself that you are in love with an illusion you have created, a picture of bliss you have painted and not the person who has callously disregarded you or your feelings. Mentally reach out and change the channel from delusion and pain to hope and faith in attracting the one in your life who will never ask you to excuse, defend or understand things that you know are not filtered through the lens of loving you. You can never receive more than you demand from any relationship.
